Being Honest with you Friend…

Reality is I was going to write this post anyway,
but since this week’s “word” over at at Lisa-Jo’s Five Minute Fridays is: Truth
it seems like a perfect time to choose to link up again with all those writing on the same word prompt each Friday……
2013 I have such Friends 1 - Web
She asks me with genuine interest and curiosity… “So what have you planned for the rest of your day?” and as those words cross the table between us I panic.
What to say?
The truth or a fabrication….

I start my answer trying to make something seem more worthwhile or important than it is and then mid-sentence, I confess: “…….actually nothing!! I am currently without direction and there are options and possibilities, some of which have some value, some just very selfish but truth is I just don’t know
Hearing my words said aloud instead of only in my head brings me a moment of embarrassment but then just relief……
This is where I am…

Thank you, friend, you gave me space to be honest. For helping me recognise that my need to explain away what I do and to always have a purpose is unhealthy. That I am hiding the truth of where I am at this time….

I have been scared to ‘go there’, to risk humiliation and rejection
I see your busyness and I am scared by my days of nothingness
So……

You ask, and I hide
I am sensitive to the importance of what you do…
You, desperately hard at work, trying to make ends meet to support your family
The single mom rushing off to work, worrying about how to squeeze everything into a day
You, who comes home late, to do homework and bathe babies
Hard working wife supporting her out-of-work husband in these later years
You, trying to forge a career for yourself, working all angles and trying so hard
Homeschooling mums who never have a moment to themselves
You, who is still committed to ministry, giving sacrificially all the time
Daughter too tired to cook dinner as you juggle study, work and play
You, friend, who always thinks of others before yourself
All who are overworked, tired out and weary
Special and important ladies in my life who have clear purposes for your current days
I am hiding from you….

Not because you have judged me, but because I have condemned myself
I have weighed myself up against what ‘good women’ do and found myself lacking
I know this is a season I must walk through and that everything has its purpose
But I am coming clean and admitting I am a little lost…

I want you to know the truth about me, friend
I don’t want you to fix me or give me things to do
Just love me in this season…

2013 Bianca Art 3 - Web

In June I wrote, ‘Attending to Awe’ and what I said then I still believe:
I know He has not forgotten me. In quiet and simple moments there is hope and peace. Not answers, but a deep conviction to wait and not rush to self-initiated movement and action’.

Five Minute Friday

Attend to Awe

I’m linking up again with the other writers at Lisa-Jo’s Five Minute Fridays (a flashmob of writers who write on a prompt). This week’s word: Listen….

Five Minute Friday

21. Wait and Listen 1 21. Wait and Listen 2 21. 2013 Listen or Attend to Awe 3
There is something in every one of you that waits and listens for the sound of the genuine in yourself. It is the only true guide you will ever have. And if you cannot hear it, you will all of your life spend your days on the ends of strings that somebody else pulls.
― Howard Thurman

I am currently living in the tension of wanting and waiting to hear His voice. Not only do I desire to recover direction for my life but I also long for the intimacy, beauty and adventure of life with God. I’m in a funk. I feel as if I am responding to the pulls of a careless puppeteer. My days are full of activity but my heart is restlessness and dissatisfied.
Yet all is silence.

It is tempting to believe that I need to figure this out for myself. As part of determined action I read, talk to Him and ask myself questions: What do I hope for, dream about, pray for, purpose in my heart to do for my remaining days? What are my deepest longings?
Silence.

A spiritual guide suggests “attending to awe”….. And so I notice the dappled light on a leaf, a screaming child, the marks of tires in mud and as I do I listen to the smallest of whispers in my spirit, and my heart is called out to worship. For a brief glimpse I know l am alive and that my own story is interwoven with the “great Romance”. In ‘attending to awe’ I experience His love and know He has not forgotten me. In quiet and simple moments there is hope and peace. Not answers, but a deep conviction to wait and not rush to self-initiated movement and action.

Even if it looks and feels as if another pulls the strings…
even if I cannot hear Him…
I am believing in faith,
He is still in control in and through me…
And so I rest in the waiting,
attending to awe.
21. Wait and Listen 3 21. 2013 Listen or Attend to Awe 5

View

A number of days after Friday I’m linking up again with the other writers at Lisa-Jo Baker’s Five Minute Friday (a flashmob of writers who write for five minutes on a prompt without over editing, backtracking or worrying too much about getting it exactly right AND then go on to encourage others who have participated)
Unable to find time and a space to write I have thought frequently about this week’s word but nothing has ‘clicked’. I’m curious about what will come onto the “paper” when I start the clock: View….

Five Minute Friday

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“View” I have decided, is a matter of perspective…
While we may both be looking at the same scene, the view from my window is different from your view from yours – not just due to the angle but also due to the cleanliness of the glass. In addition our personal histories and our current situations shade the way we perceive what we see. What I see as beautiful may remind you of pain. The complexities of this world and our unreliable way of looking at it mean Grace is needed.

I am not very good at living, what Dan Stone calls, “above the line”. Most of my days I interpret the world through my temporal vision. This is illustrated for me when I exercise, especially when I run. Since I don’t enjoy exercise it remains a daily challenge to keep going the distance. Interestingly when I focus on me and my legs and my breathing and the weather beating down on me, I find myself slowing, very often to a stop. In contrast, when I run in wonder of the opportunity, my environment and any people I encounter I find that reaching my goal requires so much less effort!! You would think knowing this I wouldn’t allow my mind to become self focused, but its not that easy. Insidiously the thoughts creep up and my vision for the task comes under attack.

So it is with life. Even though it may look like I am currently in a race without purpose and direction, as He gives me Grace I am able to live in the wonder and see my life with eyes of faith. And as I look beyond myself and my immediate circumstances and live knowing that He is working all things for good according to His ultimate design – my days become full of glorious possibilities.

Living with the corrected vision of life above the line, every moment in my day has the potential to be much more like an adventure than a full stop.