Reality is I was going to write this post anyway,
but since this week’s “word” over at at Lisa-Jo’s Five Minute Fridays is: Truth
it seems like a perfect time to choose to link up again with all those writing on the same word prompt each Friday……
She asks me with genuine interest and curiosity… “So what have you planned for the rest of your day?” and as those words cross the table between us I panic.
What to say?
The truth or a fabrication….
I start my answer trying to make something seem more worthwhile or important than it is and then mid-sentence, I confess: “…….actually nothing!! I am currently without direction and there are options and possibilities, some of which have some value, some just very selfish but truth is I just don’t know”
Hearing my words said aloud instead of only in my head brings me a moment of embarrassment but then just relief……
This is where I am…
Thank you, friend, you gave me space to be honest. For helping me recognise that my need to explain away what I do and to always have a purpose is unhealthy. That I am hiding the truth of where I am at this time….
I have been scared to ‘go there’, to risk humiliation and rejection
I see your busyness and I am scared by my days of nothingness
You ask, and I hide
I am sensitive to the importance of what you do…
You, desperately hard at work, trying to make ends meet to support your family
The single mom rushing off to work, worrying about how to squeeze everything into a day
You, who comes home late, to do homework and bathe babies
Hard working wife supporting her out-of-work husband in these later years
You, trying to forge a career for yourself, working all angles and trying so hard
Homeschooling mums who never have a moment to themselves
You, who is still committed to ministry, giving sacrificially all the time
Daughter too tired to cook dinner as you juggle study, work and play
You, friend, who always thinks of others before yourself
All who are overworked, tired out and weary
Special and important ladies in my life who have clear purposes for your current days
I am hiding from you….
Not because you have judged me, but because I have condemned myself
I have weighed myself up against what ‘good women’ do and found myself lacking
I know this is a season I must walk through and that everything has its purpose
But I am coming clean and admitting I am a little lost…
I want you to know the truth about me, friend
I don’t want you to fix me or give me things to do
Just love me in this season…
In June I wrote, ‘Attending to Awe’ and what I said then I still believe:
‘I know He has not forgotten me. In quiet and simple moments there is hope and peace. Not answers, but a deep conviction to wait and not rush to self-initiated movement and action’.