Recently I have been unable to consciously give anything of myself and so I started to label myself, ‘selfish’! I noticed the sacrifice of others around me and the many compassionate lives I am fortunate to rub shoulders with and felt uncaring; Even the written word, usually a comfort, has made me feel inconsiderate and lazy… and so I have been experiencing great inner turmoil….
You see, my life has always been one of action, of doing. It has been fun and glorious. The last ten years were an eventful period of intense labour during which I thrived. I was living ‘the dream’. I never needed to go easy on myself. This was not a victory over selfishness but more the result of an energy that was not my own.
And then….. I entered a time of God engineered rest!
So the question for me is, why does this time of rest not feel like “the dream”? Why am I feeling as if this season of sitting on my hands is an indulgence? Why is the quality of solitude, that is bringing healing, starting to feel uncomfortable? Why do I feel as if my behaviour is confusing and is hurting the people I know and care about, but do not move towards? How do I know that I am not over-protecting myself from burn-out? How will I know when I am once again meant to move out of my comfort zone to actively love those around me?
For a performance-based-flesh-person trusting that He is saying: “Yes, my daughter. Rest, relax, and seek rejuvenation” is so much harder; I feel so much less prepared to believe Him than if he were currently calling me to another season of self-sacrifice.
Yet I do believe this is a season of allowing His Spirit the opportunity to rebuild Hope in me. I want to live this season fully and abundantly. This isn’t second best… this is what He has for me (and it may not be short lived). So the challenge is moving to a different way of viewing my interlude with solitude and quiet….
Three fellow Divine Divas helped point me towards truth this past week, reminding me in different ways, and with different words of encouragement, that there is never a time, never a situation, where God shuts out the potential for us to thrive, to have influence and be used of Him!!
I am beginning to understand that “living the dream” isn’t limited to my previous narrow definition.
I am asking Him to show me what “thriving” means for me in my current situation….
I want my real life to matter…
but more than that, I want to be able to count it all joy….
Because God is always working and I am always a container for His life, even when it feels like it’s a season of inactivity!