After reading my last blog post, the man I love commented about how overly fortunate my life looks right now. It wasn’t a criticism, just an observation. Yet, it spoke directly to my fears. I have done nothing to warrant my being worthy of the life I live, I have tried to live it generously and with my hands wide open, but it’s a life of privilege…. “part of the 0.01% of the world“. A phrase the same man reminds his family of constantly.
I currently find myself in a season of “soul breathing“: I am doing more looking and more thanking. I am taking the time to notice patterns in the sand, the way the sky looks in the middle of the day (not just at sunset), appreciating lines of character (previously called wrinkles), the different way people see the world and other daily gifts that previously went un-noticed. I am looking and marveling how I got to be so very privileged, so many daily gifts to enjoy – I am full of wonder and give thanks.
My fear has me wondering what have I to say that would be worth reading. It immobilised me from writing but not from wondering and appreciating even more the many gifts contained in life. So, I am still ‘breathing’ and trusting that when my world looks less pretty and my life less blessed again, I will still be able to appreciate the shape He makes, the beauty of the shadows He allows that are then cast across the picture.
Today I read a story by Alece on “Deeper Story” posted on October 25th (http://deeperstory.com/home/story/) and it touched me deeply:
“I’M THAT GIRL WHO IS DROWNING”
Due to severe trauma Alece suffers from ‘Fuzzy Brain Syndrome’ … My worst nightmare. I am not drowning, not right now, instead I am struggling to float, wondering what to do with the calm, feeling in every way that I don’t deserve this season of quiet waters (and I don’t). Yet, I know in my heart that fighting or fearing prevents me from being able to completely enjoy Life and all the gifts contained in this season. Hiding or pretending would be un-grace and my attitude an ungrateful one to the One who Loves.So for different reasons to Alece, this season is a matter of surrender for me.