Fighting Floating

I currently find myself in a season of “soul breathing“: I am doing more looking and more thanking. I am taking the time to notice patterns in the sand, the way the sky looks in the middle of the day (not just at sunset), appreciating lines of character (previously called wrinkles), the different way people see the world and other daily gifts that previously went un-noticed. I am looking and marveling how I got to be so very privileged, so many daily gifts to enjoy – I am full of wonder and give thanks.
  

After reading my last blog post, the man I love commented about how overly fortunate my life looks right now. It wasn’t a criticism, just an observation. Yet, it spoke directly to my fears. I have done nothing to warrant my being worthy of the life I live, I have tried to live it generously and with my hands wide open, but it’s a life of privilege…. “part of the 0.01% of the world“. A phrase the same man reminds his family of constantly.

My fear has me wondering what have I to say that would be worth reading. It immobilised me from writing but not from wondering and appreciating even more the many gifts contained in life. So, I am still ‘breathing’ and trusting that when my world looks less pretty and my life less blessed again, I will still be able to appreciate the shape He makes, the beauty of the shadows He allows that are then cast across the picture.
Today I read a story by Alece on “Deeper Story” posted on October 25th  (http://deeperstory.com/home/story/) and it touched me deeply:
“I’M THAT GIRL WHO IS DROWNING”
Due to severe trauma Alece suffers from ‘Fuzzy Brain Syndrome’ … My worst nightmare. I am not drowning, not right now, instead I am struggling to float, wondering what to do with the calm, feeling in every way that I don’t deserve this season of quiet waters (and I don’t). Yet, I know in my heart that fighting or fearing prevents me from being able to completely enjoy Life and all the gifts contained in this season. Hiding or pretending would be un-grace and my attitude an ungrateful one to the One who Loves.So for different reasons to Alece, this season is a matter of surrender for me.

This is what my life IS right now – an undeserved gift for to enjoy!

Holding onto Beauty

 
While browsing the web recently I came across a challenge by a lady called Lisa-Jo Baker on her Blog “Tales from a Gypsy Mama“. In it she encouraged other bloggers to join her every Friday for what she calls a “FiveMinuteFriday”. In her words she says this is a “pause to do a kind of mad, flash mob celebration of the written word“. Each Friday “a beautiful crowd spends five minutes writing on the same topic and then shares them“. She encourages people to just write, without worrying if it’s right or not.
 
At the end of September the word was “Grasp“. I was in Canada at the time and not able (and perhaps a bit too intimidated) to sit and join the crowd in the writing experience. Nonetheless, it was a perfect word for what I was experiencing and below is what I mulled over in my mind:
Grasp
The beauty before me in Canada this Fall is engulfing. I find myself wanting grasp and hold onto it in my heart and mind.
My overwhelming emotion as I have had the privilege of a short trip to Alberta has been one of thanksgiving and yet also loss. More than once as I have taken a photo I have said that the problem is that I want to take more than just the image home with me, that the picture will not do the scene before me justice. A still representation will not allow me to fully evoke the scope of the glory in the scene before me. The sight of the magnificent, clear, cobalt blue sky….or the yellow leaves translucent with the soft, fall light… or the wonder of creation in the combined effect of river, mountain and sky….is not all that my heart experiences as I reflect on this beauty.
My heart tries to take it all in, my mind tries to contain the fullness of the image but it is too big, too beyond this world…. I am unable to explain my emotions, I am left speechless only able to bow my knee and praise Him.
For more information about joining the mob on Five Minute Fridays go to: