Recently I had a blah day. I walked around with a heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was a disturbing feeling since I tend to be a positive person who does usually allow negative emotions to surface.
It destabilized me.
Deep down, however, I understood the pain was some sort of mechanism meant to alert me to something being off balance in my life.
I have come to a place where I find myself devoid of passion and purpose, and I know I need to stop and spend some time asking myself some of some honest questions….
What is the restlessness and emptiness I feel?
What is it that is set so deeply in my heart, experienced as a longing for adventure and purpose, that it simply won’t leave me alone?
What is God speaking to my heart that I have buried so deeply that I hardly live out of it at all? Why has my heart become so calloused?
My heart is telling me the truth – there is something missing – a ‘haunting’ in my inner heart. CS Lewis in The Problem of Pain talks about this as “a longing for heaven” …
“Even in your hobbies, has there not always been some secret attraction which the others are curiously ignorant of–something, not to be identified with, but always on the verge of breaking through, the smell of cut wood in the workshop or the clap-clap of water against the boat’s side? Are not all lifelong friendships born at the moment when at last you meet another human being who has some inkling (but faint and uncertain even in the best) of that something which you were born desiring, and which, beneath the flux of other desires and in all the momentary silences between the louder passions, night and day, year by year, from childhood to old age, you are looking for, watching for, listening for? You have never had it. All the things that have ever deeply possessed your soul have been but hints of it–tantalizing glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught your ear. But if it should really become manifest–if there ever came an echo that did not die away but swelled into the sound itself–you would know it. Beyond all possibility of doubt you would say ‘Here at last is the thing I was made for.’ We cannot tell each other about it. It is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unappeasable want, the things we desired before we met our wives or made our friends or chose our work, and which we shall still desire on our deathbeds, when the mind no longer knows wife or friend or work. While we are, this is. If we lose this, we lose all.”
I believe our longings are a powerful part of our given human personality.
They fuel the search for meaning and wholeness, for a sense of being truly alive.
Furthermore, that the voice that calls to us, is the voice of God’s.
The Whisper I am hearing is that the demands of Christian activity over the past few years has threatened my heart and the thrill of living the abundant Life. I am eager to allow myself time to once again listen to the inner calling of the larger dreams He has placed within me and the divine Romance He has written on my heart.